Explanation

Lately I've been thinking.
It's all about decisions.
And lately I'm thinking
I'm not ready for this.
This world,
This life.
I like to push it further,
And then,
Take a step back.
Or two.
Or more,
Like I'm running backwards,
Instead of keep going on.
And this is all so simple,
And I keep feeling myself
I do not fit here.
Not in this world,
Not in this life.
Sometimes I'm watching myself
Far from behind
And trying to realise
What did get me here.
Sometimes I feel I was changed,
Changed with another person,
And now I am living another life.
I feel like I've been dreaming,
And when I wake up,
I'm here.
Still here,
Where I was yesterday, last week, etc. as well.
I feel like I'm living someone's else's life,
But I still don't know where I'm on the axis.
Which one of the sides.
Horizontal, vertical, minus, plus.
And still,
I wish so desperately,
And then I give up.
I don't even am sure why,
And actually it's not like I'm really giving up.
I just hope for something to happen.
And guess what I wish for!
Yeah, the same thing I wanna give up at.
Strange.
Hell, yeah!
Where am I?
Trying to find myself,
But feel I got lost somewhere in this world.
Or between them.
I'm conscious.
I'm aware.
And still got that awkward feeling,
That I'm fighting for something
In order to let it go,
To give up at.
Sometimes I don't even possess that,
And still believe it's better not to have it,
But wish so much the contrary.
I wanna,
But I don't.
I think I'm missing something,
But I feel lost as well.
I'm not decided,
Not at all.
Am I afraid of new?
I never felt that.
Not even close.
But then,
Why is this happening?
I live the life of someone else,
And I don't really know if
I like it or not.
I'm not me,
I'm not at all,
But still don't know how am I.
Who I am.
For real.
So I keep searching,
But...
I feel I am so lost,
And I can't recover.
I don't know what's happening.
I think I'm gonna pray,
But don't know what for.
If it all would have been so simple!
I want my own life.
I don't know nothing about me.
I don't know why I'm here.
I wanna go.
And leave everything behind.